AQUARIUS
Time to face facts: You are a short, fat and talentless nerk and you're never going to win the X-Factor.

PISCES
Marsupials could be an issue this month. Try not to worry too much, Kangaroo fatalities are at an all time low, even more so outside Australia

CAPRICORN
A trip to the cinema is ruined by a person sitting behind you slurping a drink and crunching pop corn. Even more worrying is you are the only person in Screen 7.

TAURUS
Avoid Albanians today and, if over 6ft tall, be careful of low doorways particularly if visiting hobbits or other very short people. Your lucky fruit is cumquat.

GEMINI
A blind date will go horribly wrong. Turning up naked is premature and rarely successful.

CANCER
You visit a gypsy who will tell your future. She will say you are going to have a lot of old tyres and rusty cars dumped on your property or possible worse.

LEO
This week all your dreams will come true. Unfortunately, it turns out you're a rather dull person with no imagination and your dreams are, frankly, rubbish.

VIRGO
Travel is in the air. You may be taking a dream tour of the world visiting all those exotic places you've always wanted to see. Or it might just be a trip down the offy for a lottery ticket and a packet of fags.

LIBRE
A guilty secret troubles you. One, should they find out, that will make your friends and family hate and despise you forever. So best not to mention the tick you placed in the box marked Boris Johnson.

SAGITTARIUS
Stop pretending you haven't got troops in the Ukraine and that you're not bombing hospitals in Syria. Your lucky colour is red. (Applies only to Vladimir Putin)

SCORPIO
Health issues come to the fore and are a worry. Especially since that dishevelled bloke bit you in the neck before you had time to chop his head off with a shovel.

ARIES
A chance meeting with a friend will bring good news. On the other hand it may not. Also it might not be a friend, it might just be a person with absolutely no news at all. I don't know, what am I, a bloody clairvoyant?